A memoir of the plants I didn't kill...

I am ashamed to admit that I’ve killed soooo many plants. Like, sooooooo many. I always start with the best intentions, thinking this time will be different. I wander around the nursery picking out plants, knowing damn well they’re living their best lives — and I’m over here plucking them from their safe place like a serial killer. All while lying to myself... This time I’ll remember to water them. This time I’ll fertilize once a month! I even buy the fertilizers and the cutest watering cans they have... and they all just sit there. Unopened. Unused.

If plants were children, I’d be in jail by now!

Y’all… I’ve killed succulents. Succulents! Do you know how hard you have to—try—to kill a succulent? Like, you actually have to TRY.

BUT…

Some plants have survived! Not because I gave them any special care, but because they are survivors — strong, resilient fighters who refused to succumb to my torture.

So if you’re anything like me… this list is for you.

Plants come with a long list of benefits...

• Real plants can help sharpen your attention.

• Indoor plants may reduce stress levels.

• They might even help you recover from illness faster.

• Plants can boost your productivity.

• They can totally improve your outlook on work.

• And yep — they even improve the air quality in your home or office.

And honestly, that’s just scratching the surface. The point is — plants are great to have around. BUT... keeping them alive? That’s a whole different struggle.

So without further ado, here are the top 3 plants that I’ve actually managed to keep alive for a significant amount of time (which, in my world, is basically a miracle).

#1 - Snake Plant (also known as Mother in Law Tongue)

This is the real MVP of interior and exterior plants — the one that can survive even the worst of living conditions (aka, my house). It actually prefers being watered infrequently, thrives in shady or dark spots, but can also live its best life outdoors in filtered light.

Here's what Google says about it:

Snake plants prefer bright, indirect light and can even tolerate some direct sunlight. However, they also grow well (albeit more slowly) in shady corners and other low-light areas of the home. Keep the plant in a warm spot with temperatures above 50°F (10°C). In the winter, be sure to protect it from drafty windows. Water every 10 days or when the soil is dry.

Here’s what I do:

I’ve got them in every kind of lighting situation — full sun, filtered light, dark corners — and they’re all fine. I stick my finger in the dirt. If it feels dry, I water it. If it feels moist, I leave it alone. Simple as that.

I’ve never fertilized it.

I own the fertilizer.

I just... haven’t used it. Oy. What is wrong with me?

#2 - Rubber Tree Plant

In full honesty… I’ve killed this plant. Multiple times.

But hear me out — even though I’ve killed it, it took a loooong time to die. Like, months.

So that’s why it’s making the list: this one is a fighter.

Here’s what Google says about it:

The Ficus elastica (Rubber Plant) likes soil with a good amount of moisture. Avoid placing it near anything drying, like a drafty window, vent, or direct sunlight. Bright, indirect light is ideal, but it’s also tolerant of lower-light spaces. It’s better to underwater than to overwater. Watering every 5–6 days is ideal.

Here’s what I do:

I keep it near a window where it gets indirect sun. It’s right by my sink, so I end up watering it more often just because I see it every time I wash my hands. I usually just cup some water in my hands and splash it in — very professional, I know.

I own three very cute watering cans. Never used one of them.

Also… I don’t wipe the leaves like Google says you’re supposed to. I mean, who has time to be wiping plant leaves?! I barely have time to wash myself, let alone leaves.

TMI? Maybe. But I said what I said.

#3 - Dracaena

This one has survived the longest in our office. Like… I forgot to water it for three months during the early stages of the pandemic — and it still survived. If that’s not a true survivor story, I don’t know what is.

Here’s what Google says about it:

Dracaena marginata is a reliable and low-maintenance indoor plant. If you live in a warm area with extremely mild winters, you can also keep this colorful tree outdoors all year! Be sure to provide the plant with a mixture of sun and shade, as well as enough (but not too much!) water.

Here’s what I do:

Not a damn thing — other than water it when I remember, which is maybe every couple of months… at best.

I did start watering it more consistently recently, and the leaf edges started turning brown. So, moral of the story? Only water it when I remember! Apparently, that's the sweet spot.

It used to live tucked in a corner next to my filing cabinet — it did great. Now it’s next to the seating sofa in our main room where it gets more sun — still doing great. Honestly, I don’t think you can do anything to upset this trooper… except maybe pay it too much attention. It likes its privacy. Please respect that. 😂

And there you have it — literally the only three plants I’ve ever been able to keep alive for any significant amount of time. If they survived my wrath, they’ll probably survive at your house too.

Happy plant hunting, my fellow plant killers.

Much love,

Jac.

#plantkiller #houseplants #healthyliving #plantbenefits